The short answer
Couples therapy may not be safe or helpful when one partner is afraid of the other, there has been violence, threats or controlling behavior, or someone is in crisis. In those cases, talking to someone individually first is usually safer. In danger, call 911. Crisis: call or text 988. Domestic violence: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
| Immediate danger | Call 911 |
|---|---|
| Suicidal thoughts or crisis | Call or text 988 (24/7) |
| Domestic violence | National DV Hotline 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788 |
| Next step | Individual support first; a couples therapist should assess each partner separately |
Couples therapy is not the right first step for everyone. This page explains when to pause and what to do instead. It is general information, not a clinical assessment.
If you are in danger right now, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide or are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7). For domestic violence support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
When is couples therapy not a good idea?
Pause and seek individual support first if any of these are true:
- One partner is afraid of the other. Fear changes what a person can safely say in the room and at home afterwards.
- There has been physical violence, threats, or sexual coercion.
- One partner controls the other, for example over money, phones, friends, movements or immigration status.
- Someone is in crisis, such as suicidal thoughts, or a mental health emergency.
- Active, untreated addiction is driving the problems. Ask a therapist how they work with addiction alongside couples work.
- One partner has already decided to leave and wants the therapist to help the other accept it. Ask a therapist what they offer in this situation. Our guide to discernment counseling is coming later.
Why can couples sessions be unsafe when there is abuse?
In couples therapy, both partners are encouraged to speak openly. When one partner fears the other, honesty in session can lead to retaliation at home. The American Psychological Association, summarizing a 2022 review, notes that treating intimate partner violence within the couple “is controversial” and that “conjoint treatment is not a suitable approach for all couples experiencing IPV.” The research it cites found success only for couples experiencing situational violence, tied to reactivity, rather than violence tied to “control and fear.”
The same guidance says assessment “should be done with each partner separately and privately to promote safety and honest disclosures.” This is one reason a therapist may meet each partner alone early on. It is also why no website, quiz or directory can decide that couples therapy is safe for you.
What can I do instead?
- Talk to someone on your own first. An individual therapist, or an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233), can help you think through options and safety, confidentially.
- Make a safety plan. The Hotline has guidance on planning for safety, including online safety.
- If you still want couples therapy later, tell the therapist privately about your concerns before any joint session and ask how they assess safety.
- If you are the partner who has been hurtful, you can talk to a licensed professional on your own about your behavior.
Can I search for help safely?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline warns that device use “can be monitored without you knowing it,” that history “can never be completely erased,” even in private browsing mode, and that email can be intercepted. If you are worried:
- use a device your partner cannot access, such as a work or library computer;
- use the Quick exit button on this page, which leaves for a neutral site and replaces this page in your history;
- avoid saving therapist contact details where they can be found.
This site does not use ad trackers or third-party scripts, and we do not record what you search for in the directory.
Help numbers
| Service | Contact |
|---|---|
| Emergency | 911 |
| 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline | Call or text 988; chat at 988lifeline.org |
| National Domestic Violence Hotline | 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE), text START to 88788 |
| StrongHearts Native Helpline | 1-844-762-8483 |
| Deaf Hotline (video phone) | 1-855-812-1001 |
| Love Is Respect (teens and young adults) | 1-866-331-9474 |
Numbers checked 5 November 2026 against thehotline.org and 988lifeline.org. See also get help now.
Frequently asked questions
Is couples therapy ever appropriate when there has been violence?
Sometimes, after careful assessment. Research summarized by the American Psychological Association found success only for couples experiencing situational violence, not violence tied to control and fear, and says assessment should be done with each partner separately and privately. Only a trained clinician meeting each of you can judge this; a website cannot.
My partner wants couples therapy but I'm afraid. What should I do?
You do not have to agree to joint sessions. You can talk to a counselor on your own, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to think through options confidentially.
Can my partner see that I visited this page?
Possibly. The National Domestic Violence Hotline warns that devices can be monitored and browsing history can never be completely erased. Use a device your partner cannot access, such as a library or work computer, if you are concerned.
Sources
- American Psychological Association, Spotlight on couples therapy and intimate partner violence (23 Aug 2023) (checked November 5, 2026)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (checked November 5, 2026)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, Internet safety (checked November 5, 2026)
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (checked November 5, 2026)
- US Preventive Services Task Force, Intimate partner violence screening (24 Jun 2025) (checked November 5, 2026)
General information, not therapy, medical, legal or billing advice. Spotted an error? Email hello@marriagecounseling.io. See our editorial policy.