How to choose a couples therapist

Choosing a couples therapist is a decision two people make together, often at a stressful time. This guide walks through it in order: what to look for, how to narrow the list, and how to decide after a first call. It is written for couples in California, but most of it applies anywhere.

1. Agree on what you want help with

Before you search, take ten minutes together, or separately if that is easier, and write down:

• What brings you in. Constant arguments, distance, a breach of trust, a big decision, a life change such as a new baby or retirement, or wanting to strengthen a good relationship.
• What you hope will be different. For example, “we can disagree without it turning into a fight,” or “we decide together whether to stay.”
• Practical limits. Budget per session, evenings or weekends, in person or video, languages, and whether you want to try insurance.

You do not need to agree on what the problem is. Many couples come in with different stories, and sorting that out is part of the work. Agreeing on the practical limits saves time.

2. Look for a licensed professional who does couples work

In California, the professionals who can provide couples therapy include:

• LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (licensed by the Board of Behavioral Sciences, BBS)
• LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (BBS)
• LPCC, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (BBS)
• Licensed psychologist, PhD, PsyD or EdD (Board of Psychology)

Our guide LMFT vs LCSW vs LPCC vs psychologist explains the differences. The short version: the title tells you the person is licensed; it does not tell you how much couples work they do. AAMFT describes MFT training as focused on relationships. LCSWs, LPCCs and psychologists may also have couples training, so ask.

Always check the license. California’s Department of Consumer Affairs License Search shows whether a license is current and active and links to any public disciplinary documents. It takes two minutes. See how to check a California therapist license.

3. Ask about training and experience with couples

Ask specifically about couples work, not only general therapy experience. Useful things to look for:

• Specific couples training, such as Relational Life Therapy, the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Imago or another structured approach. Our methods pages give neutral overviews.
• How much of their current practice is couples work.
• Experience with your situation, for example infidelity, a blended family, an intercultural relationship, or a couple deciding whether to stay together.

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) recommends interviewing several family therapists. If the professional’s degree is not in marriage and family therapy, AAMFT says you may ask about additional post-graduate training in marriage and family therapy. The Board of Behavioral Sciences suggests asking whether the therapist practices from a particular model of treatment and what it involves, what specific training they have related to your situation, and how the length of treatment is decided.

4. Check the practical fit

Narrow the list with the things that will make or break attendance:

• Fees and payment. Self-pay fee, sliding scale, superbills, or in-network billing. See what couples therapy costs in California and insurance and superbills.
• Format. In person, video, or both. A California license covers clients located anywhere in California. See telehealth couples therapy in California.
• Schedule. Couples need a time both partners can make every week or two.
• Language and background. If it matters to either of you that the therapist shares or understands your culture, faith, sexuality or language, it is fine to make that a filter.

5. Have a short call with two or three therapists

Ask whether the therapist offers a short consultation call and whether there is a fee. Use the call to ask how they work with couples and to see how you both feel. Our list of questions to ask on a consultation call is printable.

Pay attention to whether the therapist:

• explains their approach in words both of you understand;
• seems even-handed and does not take a side based on a short description;
• is clear about fees, cancellation policy and what happens between sessions;
• asks about safety, or explains how they assess it, if there has been fear, threats or violence.

6. Decide, and give it a fair trial

Pick the therapist both partners felt most comfortable with, then commit to a few sessions before judging. California’s BBS describes intake and assessment as usually one to three sessions: the therapist is learning about your relationship and each of you. Our guide to what the first sessions are like explains what to expect.

If after a few sessions one of you does not feel heard, you can say so in session. If it still does not feel right, it is normal to try someone else.

A note on safety

Couples therapy is not the right first step for every couple. If one partner is afraid of the other, or there has been violence, threats or controlling behavior, the American Psychological Association notes that conjoint treatment is not a suitable approach for all couples and that assessment should happen with each partner separately and privately. Read when couples therapy isn’t the right step, and see get help now for confidential support.

How MarriageCounseling.io helps

Our directory is for licensed therapists who work with couples in California. Every profile shows the therapist’s name as filed with their board, license type and license number, with a date we last checked it. You choose who to contact; we do not pick a therapist for you, and no therapist can pay to appear higher. Read how listings are ordered.