4 Tips for Finding a Marriage Counselor That's a Good Fit
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4 Tips for Finding a Marriage Counselor That's a Good Fit
When struggling to find the right marriage counselor, it can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. Insights from a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Couples Therapist reveal crucial tips to ease this journey. Discover why finding a specialist in relational work could be your first step, and learn about the importance of prioritizing emotional safety and connection. With four expert insights, navigate your path to a supportive and effective counseling experience.
- Find a Specialist in Relational Work
- Request a Video Q&A
- Seek Non-Judgmental, Affirming Space
- Prioritize Emotional Safety and Connection
Find a Specialist in Relational Work
It can be challenging to find someone that both of you feel confident will help your relationship. As someone who works with couples myself, I'd hope that consumers are looking for a professional who has a plan with the couples they assist. If a clinician doesn't specialize in relational work and can't name theories they subscribe to, it is likely that they are trained to work with individuals and assume that just sitting there while you two argue will suffice for doing couple’s work. It's okay to ask questions like, "What training have you done for helping couples?" and "How does your work with couples differ from how you'd work with just one of us?" Someone who specializes in relational work will have answers to these questions and will help you in ways beyond just sorting out conflicts. Ideally, they will help you learn to relate to one another better, understand one another better, and be on the same team, no matter what disagreements come along.
Request a Video Q&A
Here's one tip, but it's packed with everything you'll need to find the right therapist: Consider asking for a short video Q&A to get a feel for their style and approach.
This small step can give you a window into their personality, tone, and way of interacting—crucial to feeling comfortable in therapy.
And while you're at it, here are a few more tips to keep in mind:
Know what you're looking for: Familiarize yourself with popular approaches like Gottman, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Relational Life Therapy, or even the Enneagram to see what resonates most with you.
Communicate openly: Let your therapist know if things aren't feeling right. If they're open and receptive, that's a good sign! If they're defensive, it might be time to try someone else.
Trust your gut: Therapy is a deeply personal experience, and the connection you feel with your therapist can make all the difference. If it's not a good fit, don't hesitate to move on.
I know it's more than one tip, but finding a great therapist is essential, and a good match can make all the difference in your journey together!
Seek Non-Judgmental, Affirming Space
One tip I would give to couples struggling to find a marriage counselor is to prioritize finding someone who not only understands Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) but is committed to creating a non-judgmental, affirming space. In EFT, the focus is on strengthening the emotional bond by uncovering the attachment needs and vulnerabilities that underlie interactions. A therapist trained in this approach can help you recognize and de-escalate distress cycles, allowing you to connect on a deeper, more secure level.
It's also important to look for a therapist who approaches issues without placing blame or making one partner feel at fault. The right counselor will help you understand your patterns compassionately, free from shame or judgment. This non-shaming approach fosters openness and allows you both to see each other's perspectives with empathy, which is key to deepening trust and security in the relationship. For example, I'm a therapist that self-discloses, when relevant, bringing my experiences into the fold to help punctuate understanding. I am willing to bring my full self to the therapy room, which my clients find extremely validating and normalizing. Not all therapists do, which causes clients to feel less connected to the process and, in some cases, shamed for their experiences.
Ultimately, prioritize a counselor with whom you both feel safe, seen, and respected. Finding a therapist who fosters this kind of connection can create a foundation for lasting growth, helping you bring your authentic selves into the therapeutic space and strengthening your bond.
Prioritize Emotional Safety and Connection
Finding the right marriage counselor is huge—it can make all the difference. One tip I'd give to couples is to prioritize finding someone who feels emotionally safe and easy to connect with. This doesn't necessarily mean you'll feel instantly comfortable, but you should sense warmth, respect, and an openness from the therapist. If you don't feel a level of comfort, it's worth exploring other options because trust is key to doing the vulnerable work of couples therapy.
When looking for a good fit, consider these factors:
Specialization and Approach: Look for someone with specific experience in couples therapy. Approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method are solid for many couples because they're backed by research. Ask about the therapist's approach and how they'd handle situations similar to what you're facing.
Vibe and Style: Every therapist has a different style—some are warm and collaborative, while others are more direct or structured. Think about what type of energy helps you feel safe and seen, and look for a therapist who has that vibe.
Encouragement of Honesty and Feedback: A great therapist invites your honest feedback. They'll encourage you to speak up if something isn't working in the sessions and will adapt to meet your needs.
Comfort with Conflict: Couples therapy isn't always smooth sailing, so it's essential to have a therapist who can handle and help de-escalate intense emotions. They should feel solid, calm, and capable when things get heated.
Ultimately, finding the right counselor might take a few tries, and that's okay. A good fit is worth the time, and it lays the foundation for real progress in therapy.
